I originally wrote and published this blog (sitting in a room at Urgent Care) on May 26, 2020.
I have not edited it but I have added an update at the bottom.
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You don’t want to look?” These are the words of the medical assistant who asked me to step on the scale. Instead of saying, “Ma’am, that would be a heeeellllllllll no” I went into this explanation of why; the same way I have felt the need to explain why I don’t weigh 140 pounds anymore to, well, anyone who will listen.
The reason I am at urgent care started with listening to MYSELF. I have been working with coaches, a therapist AND a dietitian throughout this entire COVID-19 thing and, while it has all been very helpful, I had to quiet the noise of them in my ear and all of the “social media doctors” I seem to know and check in with myself. I had “this feeling” when doctors told me there was nothing wrong and I ended having to have a hysterectomy after months of worthless tests and not being heard. I had “this feeling” when I was told repeatedly that nothing was wrong with my gallbladder and then I ended up having to have it removed.
My intuitive feeling about buying a glucose monitor came after asking my dietitian some questions about why my body was responding to food the way it was. She asked me if I had ever had problems with my blood sugar before. Other than gestational diabetes, I “thought” my blood sugar had been fine. All I had been told about the issues with my weight was, “Drink water. Exercise more. Go Paleo. You’re getting older.
Dear Doctors and Well-Meaning Experts who don’t live in my body: This is not my first rodeo.
I know what everyone “recommends” and, before I started down the path of aging, medical issues and surgeries, I used to say the same thing. But there is something horribly wrong and, while all the tests seem to be “normal,” I feel horrible and, no matter what I do, my weight keeps going up.
There are things that are going on with my blood sugar that are craaaazzzzyyyy. And , to quote Queen Latifah it’s like “up, down and around…even sideways.” That is why I’m here, at the recommendation of a nurse from my insurance company, feeling frustrated, exhausted, and light headed with a headache.
The crazy thing is after explaining my symptoms REPEATEDLY and feeling like I was going to fall over after my blood was drawn, NO ONE HAS TAKEN MY BLOOD SUGAR!!!
After years of basically being told I eat too much and don’t move enough, having multiple diagnoses and changing pant sizes a few times, I know there is something wrong and it’s not because I drink coffee. It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s not because I need to cut down my calories. It’s not because I need a detox. It’s not because I stressed. It’s not because I’m 44. But it’s easier to say those things and generalizations (like most meal plans and workout programs offered for the cheap on Instagram. I said what I said) and treat everyone like a basic addition problem. I am over here dealing with AP College Calculus and 2 + 2 doesn’t even scratch the surface anymore (it used to) to my complex body system.
If you are eating well (I did NOT say perfect) and getting regular exercise and something doesn’t seem to be computing, see who you have to see and do what you have to do to began to solve your body’s equation.
I’m over here, waiting patiently, hoping I don’t pass out, still waiting for my blood sugar to be checked as the medical assistant is probably entering my weight in the computer, angry at the strange placement of my belly fat (I have NEVER had a six pack but, in the last few weeks, my body has shifted. No, it’s not quarantine snacks) and thinking about the bottle of rosé I have sitting on the counter (I mean, why not?).
I’m thinking about all of the times I starved myself because I was ashamed of the weight gain. I’m thinking about all of the hours I’ve spent staring in the bathroom mirror with tears in my eyes, feeling betrayed by my own body and the “system” I had used for years to stay fit and healthy. I’m thinking about all of the times doctors basically called me a hypochondriac. Like this time.
”Well, you seem to be fine so we’ll call you if anything shows up in your labs. You sure you don’t eat low carb?
Keep a food log. See the receptionist on your way out.” I stare at my blood work. I’m within range but so close to the edge of abnormal that I’m anxious. But still, I’m “normal.” Something is registering high. No mention of that. I have nothing but tears as I walk back to my car and the drawing board. I am light headed. The pain in my head is almost unbearable. I am “normal.” I am “obese.” And, according to them, that’s that. That’s NOT that. Weight is NOT everything but what’s going on with me is bigger than trying to fit in a two piece. Long gone are the days when I wanted to post on social media with my J. Lo body. I just want the days when I don’t gain two pounds in four days just by breathing.
If you can relate, I’m sorry. I really, really am.
Follow your intuition and change providers EVERY TIME YOU HAVE TO in order to get answers. You know your body better than anyone else. I don’t necessarily recommend playing “Google Doctor” and driving yourself insane but check things out. See if it gives you insight to something no one has checked before. Lastly, when someone makes a statement about your body, your weight and how you are “off your game,” don’t snap and don’t tell the story. You do NOT have to answer to anyone other than yourself about what’s going on with your body. Take it from me, people will judge you no matter what weight you are. I’m going home to eat a bagel and take a nap.
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UPDATE: It took me another 15 months but I found a patient and caring nurse practitioner. After she listened to everything I said, she ordered complete blood work and it took less than a week to find out I was in full menopause...and had been for a while. I was also dealing with low thyroid and iron issues. I have been seeing her for year and while nothing and no one can stop the aging process, at least, together, we have found things to help me feel human.
PLEASE DON'T STOP ADVOCATING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!
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